"Watch out!" the voice cried.
Endar looked around and saw them coming for him, eyes glaring. Endar turned the other way and ran as far as his legs could carry him. He looked about for his family and friends, but no one was there.
But they were still coming for him, so he didn’t have time to look for his loved ones. He had to get away, hide. “We’ll all reunite later,” he said out loud.
Endar turned the corner, looking behind him. They were still coming. He continued to run until he ran into a wall. He stumbled and looked up. He tried to scale the wall, but it was too high and slippery. He fell several times. Finally he turned around, backing up until he could go no further.
They came, and Endar begged them to leave him alone. To take anyone else, but not him. But they came, nevertheless. And they had something in their hands. They began probing him, and one of them stared at something that looked like...
A tricorder?
“Get that thing away from me!” Endar screamed, waking with a start. Three people stood over him, one of them Bajoran. He must have sat up, because they were trying to get him to lie back down. He looked about and realized he was in a sickbay of some kind -- the infirmary...
And he was on a biobed.
And they were scanning him.
And had neural stimulators on his head.
“No!” he screamed, pulling the stimulators off his forehead and throwing them at the medics. He rolled over until he fell off the biobed. Stumbling, he tried to regain his balance.
“Commander, please, we have to check you for...” the Bajoran started.
But Endar cut her off before she could continue. “You can check me all you want, but not with those. Get those goddamn things away from me!!” he ordered, pointing to the neural stimulators and the tricorder.
“Commander, it’s necessary that we -- ”
“You heard me!” Endar screamed.
The Bajoran sighed and called for Counselor Dax, who must have been in the other room, because she was already on her way...and Kira was with her. “He’s awake,” the Bajoran answered as the two walked into the room.
“Commander, get back on the bed,” Dax ordered, turning to Endar.
Endar’s face paled, lips trembling. He hated hospitals (or sickbays, infirmaries, what have you), hated doctors, and he hated all of the doctor’s funny little toys they used to torture their patients with and explore their physical secrets. He didn’t want to be part of any experiment, and he didn’t want his secrets probed with a microscope, or a neural stimulator for that matter.
He just wished they’d leave him alone.
“No Ezri, please don’t make me. I don’t want to,” he pleaded.
Dax sighed and looked at the deck for a while. Finally she walked up to Endar and took his hands. “If you let us scan you with the tricorder...” she started softly. “We won’t do any further scanning. Nothing in depth. Just let us check you for injuries. You know you sprained your ankle? We just want to make sure you don’t have a concussion or anything. You were hallucinating or something when I found you.” Ezri smiled softly.
Endar shrugged, and looked down. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he retorted sullenly. It wasn’t necessarily a lie. He saw something freaky, but it couldn’t be a hallucination. It was all too real.
Ezri’s smile widened, and she dropped his hands. “Okay. But will you? You can sit in this chair if you want,” she stated matter-of-factly, pulling a stool over from a nearby computer. “And they can scan you with the tricorder right here. Please?”
Endar looked at the chair, and then at Ezri, and then at the tricorder in the bajoran’s hands. Ezri wouldn’t lie, would she? he thought. He looked back at Ezri. You let the Doc scan you...
Finally he conceded and sat in the chair.
Ezri breathed a sigh of relief. “Go ahead, Dr. Girani,” she said, gesturing to the bajoran. Girani walked up to Endar and opened the tricorder, passing the little probe over him. Endar watched the probe go left to right, up and down.
Finally Girani closed the tricorder. “He’s fine. If there’s anything wrong, we’ll have to wait until he’s more willing to submit to an in-depth scan. But the tricorder doesn’t detect anything right now.”
Endar breathed a sigh of relief. Thank God, he thought, not because he was okay, but because he’d made it through yet another tricorder scan without being detected.
Ezri smiled and looked down at him. “See? I told you we’d have no problems. I would suggest you hang out here and rest for the night, though. You’re pretty shaken, and it’s getting late. I’ll have your duty schedule cleared for the rest of the night.”
Endar’s eyes widened, and he shook his head frightfully. “No, Ezri, I don’t want to stay here. Please don’t make me stay here. I’ll be good, I promise. Ezri, please...” Endar begged Ezri, who could only return his look with an apologetic glance. Then he felt something cold against his neck, and heard a soft hiss. Ezri’s visage blended with the other doctors and the infirmary, and then flattened into a long line until everything faded...
****
“Let’s keep him under observation for the night,” Ezri said to Dr. Girani while the nurses got Endar onto a bio bed.
“What am I looking for in particular?” Girani said, nodding.
At first Ezri considered doing scans anyway, but if Endar woke up in the middle of the night and found out he’d be furious. She’d have to play this out as gingerly as possible. “Any abnormal sleeping patterns -- kicking sheets and stuff like that. If he wakes up screaming. I don’t think that nightmare he had was an uncommon occurrence for him, and I’d really like to study his brain waves as they happen, but I can’t until he feels comfortable with that. So just watch him for anything that seems out of the ordinary.”
Girani nodded and smiled. “I’m playing a baby-sitter then?”
Ezri smiled back sheepishly. She would watch him too, if anything just in case they needed her. But she couldn’t be anywhere Endar would see her for now. Besides, she was certain as soon as he woke up he’d be out of there quickly. And she needed to observe at least one more time...
“You’ll at least have to appear as the baby-sitter. I’ll be here to help out if Alden becomes violent.” Ezri walked over to the sleeping first officer and frowned, looking down at him. She hoped it would never come to violence.
“I’ll watch him, Counselor,” Girani said.
Ezri smiled. “Thanks, Dr. Girani.” As she passed her, Ezri put her hand on Girani’s shoulder, giving it a thankful squeeze. She left the patient ward and entered the main room, where Kira stood in the center, back turned. Smiling sheepishly she approached the colonel, a whole explanation for Kira’s coming question welled up inside her...
Then Kira turned to Ezri, hands on her hips, eyes full of worry. “Is he okay?” she asked.
Ezri opened her mouth to answer, then shut it quickly, mildly surprised and very amused. That wasn’t the question I expected her to ask, Ezri thought with a smile.
“He’s...he’s fine. A little shaken, but otherwise fine.”
“Good,” Kira said, then her voice filled with exasperation. “Now what the Hell just went on?”
Ezri smiled, and even giggled. That was the question I expected her to ask. “Well, and this is just a guess, but I think Commander Alden suffered a hallucination.”
Kira’s brow furrowed. “Hallucination? Of what?”
“I don’t know.”
“Then how do you know --”
Ezri sighed. “I don’t. It’s...complicated. I can’t scan him to find out for sure. But just from the way he was screaming. He...” Ezri paused, searching for the right words. “He kept saying he wanted to go home. He said ‘We don’t want to go with you. Leave us alone.’ But...there was no one there. No one was near him. And then he started, just started...” Ezri stammered for a moment. “...raving. And when I got to him he was screaming ‘help me’ and banging around. And then he came to and...”
“I think I get the point,” Kira admitted, then the worry lines appeared. “So what do you think this is?”
“Well, I can’t determine it until I have enough facts. I wish he’d let me scan him. I could check his brain wave patterns for these inconsistencies.” Ezri glanced back towards the patient ward. “But Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is high on my list. He shows some of the symptoms. I wish I could just get him to open up more.”
Kira sighed and walked closer to Ezri, putting a hand on her arm. “Well, do your best. Whatever you achieve will be more than anyone has accomplish in reaching him, if anyone has ever even tried. There’s not much you can do. But quite frankly, I can’t have an executive officer who hallucinates.”
Ezri looked up. “Nerys, give me a chance, I know I can do this.”
Kira smiled. “Okay. But I can't give you much more after this. We may have to let Endar go eventually, at least put him on medical leave for the foreseeable future. It's what's best for the station, and for him.”
Ezri nodded grimly. Then, as Kira turned to leave, Ezri remembered something. “Nerys?”
Kira turned back. “Yeah?”
Ezri took a step forward, thoughtful. “How did your conversation with Endar start? Your first one, I mean.”
Kira looked up, trying to recall the day before. “It was...good. He seemed...I don’t know.” Kira turned her gaze to Ezri. “He seemed like your typical Starfleet officer.”
“When did that change?”
Kira closed her eyes a moment then opened them. “When I started talking about his duties. Especially the Defiant. He got worse when he found out he wasn’t going to command the Defiant right away. Why?”
Ezri eyes widened as she slowly formulated her hypothesis. “I wonder...could all this have something to do with that conversation?”
“What the...?” Kira’s eyes widened too. “Do you mean the past few days he’s been throwing a temper tantrum because he didn’t get to play with the Defiant? You have got to be kidding me!”
“It’s possible. Julian said that he didn’t have a problem with Endar, because they talked about things they had in common. But when you talk to Endar, you talk about things he doesn’t like. And you had him thrown in the brig, which he was none too happy about. Maybe he treats you this way because he doesn’t like what you tell him.
“I mean, think about it,” Ezri continued. She took Kira’s arm, and Kira looked down at Ezri. “You told him part of his duties would be dealing with reports, correct?”
“Right.”
“He doesn’t do it. He refuses. Those reports are still there, aren’t they?”
Kira’s eyes brightened at the revelation. “And when I told him to make himself familiar with all the controls at the tactical station, he almost blew out a pylon.”
Ezri walked away from Kira and then turned around, a triumphant smile on her face. “And you’ve seen his record? I bet he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder.”
Kira’s eyes narrowed. “What?”
“Oppositional Defiance Disorder. It’s a behavioral disorder where the patient exhibits aggressive tendencies, and purposely bothers and irritates people. Symptoms include losing temper often, defying the requests of superiors, being spiteful. There are others, but those are the ones Endar’s displayed so far. I’d have to dig a little further, but I bet that’s what he has.” Ezri’s eyes gleamed. “Once he’s diagnosed, we can begin treatment.”
Kira blew out a sigh of relief. “Good. Maybe he’ll be normal now.”
Ezri grimaced. “Well...”
Kira sighed again and rolled her eyes. “Oh great...”
“You see, this is a disorder usually found in children,” Ezri explained. “He should have outgrown it by adolescence. He hasn’t. He’ll more than likely have ODD the rest of his life.”
“But you can make him better, to the point where he can function competently, right?” Kira asked.
Ezri looked back at Endar, knowing he was sound asleep in the patient ward. Could this be the first good night’s rest he’s had in a while? she wondered. She prayed she could help him. “I hope so, Nerys. I hope so.”
****
It was early morning when Kasidy Yates materialized on the small laid-stone patio about fifty yards from the house. Ben had planned it specifically for this purpose, and Jake had located the various stones for it, bringing them to the cottage from the hills. The layout of the stones made a very specific sensor reading, easy to locate, even if one didn’t have the exact coordinates. It would be convenient for guests. And it gave new arrivals a wonderful vista of the cottage, the river, a small orchard, and the meadows stretching away to the hills.
She had to remember to give Julian the exact coordinates, and tell him what to look for, the next time he visited, when he returned from Cardassia.
She spent a minute adjusting from the confined, perpetually illuminated, terminally-recycled air of the Xosa, to the wide open freshness and color of the Bajoran dawn. She dropped her duffel bag and spread her arms to the wind, sucking in deep lungfuls of fresh, cool air, and reveling in it. Turning to the east, she watched the spread of color that heralded the nearness of sunrise. Stars faded before the rising brilliance in the sky.
She couldn’t help a small laugh of pleasure. In the last few months, she really had become comfortable and at home here. She had beauty. She had open space. She had fresh air. There was no one staring at her and pointing her out and whispering behind her back.
Even on the Xosa. At present, nine of her crew, over half, were Bajoran. And she had the sneaking suspicion that most of them had come to serve aboard the ship because of the “Emissary’s wife.” It had been even worse than being on the station. On the station, a lot of people didn’t know her, and those who did recognize her, but didn’t know her well, gave her a respectful distance. On the Xosa, some of the Bajoran crew were people she had worked with for years, and even the new ones seemed to feel they were carrying out something akin to a sacred mission.
One especially young crewman had insisted on buying several large bouquets of tuberflowers for her quarters before they left the station.
She’d mentioned once in passing how she’d missed the flavor of ginger tea during her morning sickness; for the rest of the trip it seemed that every time she turned around, somebody was standing there with a fresh cup of tea.
One of the female crewmen had obviously decided that, being pregnant, the regular chairs couldn’t possibly be comfortable enough, and had supplied additional cushions for both chairs in her quarters and for the captain’s seat on the bridge – neatly embroidered cushions, of traditional Bajoran design, stuffed with herbs that were supposed to soothe the travails of pregnancy. One of those herbs was supposed to help control the sneezing that Bajoran women were subject to during pregnancy; it had the opposite effect on Kasidy, and she’d had several prolonged sneezing fits during the trip.
It didn’t help that Darna had smiled and nodded significantly, as if the sneezing itself were some kind of prophetic sign!
It was all very nice to be cosseted, a little, but it had become overwhelming, and was soon likely to get tiresome. Kasidy wasn’t used to being treated like a...like a religious icon, and she wasn’t comfortable with it.
“Ben wasn’t comfortable with it either, but he got used to it,” she murmured into the morning. “He didn’t have any choice, he was a Starfleet officer, he had to do his job. And he came to love Bajor so much that he would have given his life to protect this planet and her people. But it’s not my job or my mission. I just want to live my life and take care of my family.”
She glanced over at the cottage, still wreathed in shadows. It was all serene, quiet. There was a low, early-autumn mist forming a curtain behind it, already retreating toward the river with the sun peaking up from the ridge.
With a smile and a sense of freedom, Kasidy picked up her bag and began a leisurely walk toward her home. She left a trail behind her as she scuffed through the wet grass. Beads of dew collected on her low boots, and cool dampness soaked in around her ankles. Then she reached the path, and the swish of grass underfoot gave way to the crunch of small stones.
The cottage door was open.
Kasidy caught her breath and froze, dropping her bag.
She couldn’t have forgotten to close the door, could she? Had someone broken in? Vandals? Out here, isolated as it was? Maybe she should have kept a phaser after all, but she’d never thought to need one, here, with Ben’s standing to the Bajorans.
A young man came around the side of the house. He was dressed in the brown and gold robes of Hatha’s order. It was Maln, the youth who’d escorted her home the day she’d discovered the baseball field. Spotting her, an eager smile seemed to split his face before he bowed deeply. “You have returned! Come in, we have kept things clean for you.”
Too amazed to protest, she let him take her hand and pull her toward the door.
Inside the cottage, another Bajoran, a girl, also in religious garb, was sweeping the floor. She looked up and smiled a welcome, too.
“What are you doing here?” she finally sputtered.
The two young people froze for a long moment.
The young man said, in a respectful tone, “We came to make sure your home was clean and prepared for your return. I’ve been weeding and watering your garden, and Temma’s been dusting and sweeping the cottage.”
“Who said I needed–” She ran out of words.
“Vedek Hatha sent us,” the youth assured her, as if that explained everything.
This was too much. This was her home, dammit, hers and Ben’s and Jake’s and the baby’s, and anyone else they chose to invite, it wasn’t... It should be *her* sanctuary, not another Bajoran shrine!
“Where is Vedek Hatha?” she demanded bluntly.
The young people looked at each other, surprised and unsure how to deal with her reaction to them.
“At morning ablutions,” the girl replied meekly. “He will be back soon, with the others. We hoped to finish the river plantings before you returned.”
“River plantings...?” She counted slowly; Kasidy’s temper was slow to rise, but she knew she needed to control it when her ire was truly up. “Leave my house, now. Both of you,” she said clearly. “Tell your Vedek that I want to see him, but no one else, as soon as he can get here. And there will be no river planting today!”
The pair bowed deeply and scurried out the door before Kasidy could say anything more.
She looked around. What had they done? The place was spotless; there was no dust or dirt to be seen anywhere. Several things she had left out were now neatly stacked on a cabinet, or gone from sight. There were fresh flowers in vases on the table and on the mantle of the fireplace. She didn’t recognize the rug laying in front of the hearth.
She knelt to bundle up the rug.
It seemed only seconds later before she heard voices outside.
She stepped back to the door, the rolled-up rug in her arms.
Vedek Hatha stood there, surrounded by the two young people who’d been in
her home, and by three others, all adult men she recognized from the day at the baseball field. They had brought two deep, metal basins, out of which hung the long, drooping green stalks of several types of river reeds. All of them had discarded their long robes for short trousers and simple shirts, and looked ready to spend a day at work in the water.
“Kasidy Yates.”
“Vedek Hatha.”
“You are disturbed that we are here?”
“Yes,” she replied emphatically.
“I told you we would take care of you until the Emissary’s return.”
“There’s a difference between offering to help if needed, and moving in and taking over my house while I’m gone!”
“I thought you might need help.”
She dropped the rug. “Help is one thing. When I need it, I will ask for it. But I don’t need servants, I don’t need keepers, I don’t need you reorganizing my house without asking – and I don’t need people following me around to make sure I don’t break! I’m not your Emissary, I’m not an orb, I’m not a religious artifact!” She gestured inside. “This is my home. It is not a temple or a shrine. I just want to live here.”
His dark eyes flashed for a second, then the fire faded in understanding. A gesture, and the others gathered themselves to leave, picking up the basins and turning away. Maln gathered up the rug from the dewy grass before leaving. Temma followed.
Hatha sighed. “We have offended you. That was not my intention. I’m sorry.”
The apology cooled her down. It acknowledged her frustration, and that, she realized ruefully, was what she really needed, after several days of being unable to express her uneasiness with her current public cult-like status.
“I’m sorry, too, Vedek,” she sighed. “I shouldn’t have snapped at your people.”
“It is not easy for you,” he observed.
“No. It’s not.”
A moment of silence.
“Will you forgive us our over-eagerness to protect you?”
“Yes.” She was grateful for his understanding, and relieved. She’d been afraid, now that she thought about it, that she might have driven a wedge between herself and the monks. “Maybe we just need to have a talk about boundaries.”
He nodded gravely.
“Can I offer you breakfast while we talk? I can make a great eggbake – not exactly on Ben’s level, but it’s one of my specialties.”
“I could call back one of –” He stopped, then bowed slightly. “I would be honored.”
She’d made her point. Smiling, she led the way back into the cottage.
****
Endar fell out of the biobed onto the hard deck. The thin red carpet provided no cushioning.
Moaning, he sat up against a cart of medical supplies and rubbed his bottom, which ached from the fall. Falling out of beds is definitely the reason I don’t sleep in them, he told himself sternly.
The infirmary was pitch black, save for the soft hum of the colorful equipment lights. Endar pulled himself up, using the cart as a leaning post. The cart wobbled unstably from the weight and tipped over. Endar hit the ground once again. After several minutes of moaning, he tried again and this time got to his feet. Looking down and recognizing the outline of his uniform, he thought it a good time to get out of there -- before those witch doctors tried to do something to him. He looked around the room and, seeing no one, ventured out.
Just as he reached the main room, however, one of the Bajoran doctors came out of the darkness.
“Commander, get back to bed. You’re supposed to be resting,” she ordered, blocking his way to the exit.
Endar laughed lightly. “Look lady, I’m rested. I rested so much I fell out of the bed. I’m not interested in going back.”
But the Bajoran was persistent. “My name is Girani, commander. Doctor Girani. And as the attending physician you’ll do as I say or I’ll relieve you of duty,” she threatened, grabbing his arm.
Girani’s persistence only fueled Endar’s anger. He grabbed her hand and pushed it off his arm. “Look, doctor, you said so yourself, I’m fine. I see no need for you to detain me any longer. Unless you plan on doing some further study...” he hinted with a brow raised.
But her stern gaze didn’t waver. “I have orders from Counselor Dax. You are not to leave.”
Endar had enough. With a slight nudge he pushed Girani against the wall and ran from the room.
****
Girani sighed and looked over into the shadows at the petite form leaning against one of the computers. “Well, he left. Like you said.”
“Yeah. My theory worked,” Ezri said sheepishly. “Computer, half-lights.”
As the lights flickered on, Girani squinted. “What do we do now?”
“I guess I have to go after him.”
“Do you want any help?” Girani asked, worry lines appearing.
“No, thanks though. I can handle Endar,” she said with a smile. Pulling away from the console, she made her way to the infirmary entrance and into the promenade.
****
The silent darkness of the promenade loomed ominously as Endar jogged through it. Unsure of where to go, or what to do, he finally stopped and sat down. Putting his head in his hands, he tried to make sense of everything that had happened, but nothing helped.
Finally he shook his head. “Oh, Endar, Endar, why can’t you find something stable? Why must everything be so hard? All you need to do is go somewhere and stay there. What can be so hard about that?”
Then Endar ran his fingers through his hair and sat up straight. “Because you simply can’t work with these people. You’re better than they are. You understand the nature of things. These Starfleet types know no flexibility. You need to go somewhere where the people are more like you.”
Then Endar paused, head dropping to his hand. He sighed in frustration. “What does that mean?”
But there was no answer.
After rubbing his hands on his lap, he stood and headed toward the stairs leading to the second level. He needed a comfortable locale in which to think. And he knew just the place...
****
Ezri walked through the promenade carefully, making sure she didn’t run into Endar. It would ruin her whole plan if she did. She didn’t expect to, though. She knew where he was going.
Don’t worry. Endar is going to do exactly what you think he’s going to do, she assured herself.
She knew he would try to escape the infirmary, was counting on it. If detained from escaping Endar would put up his defenses and she would lose his trust in her. She couldn’t lose him now: with a little more observation she could finalize a diagnosis and begin treatment. It was a very delicate situation. Remembering his child-like meekness as he begged Ezri to let him go back to his quarters earlier, she would hate to lose him now.
All she needed to do was get Endar in a comfort zone, lull him into some sense of security, and he would be receptive to the idea of counseling and treatment for whatever caused him to act this way.
As she entered Vic’s lounge, her theory proved correct.
The lounge was obviously closed. It was dark, the bar shut down for the night, and the chairs rested upside down on their corresponding tables. Only one light was on, and it shone down on Endar onstage, seated at the grand piano. He was playing one part of some song over and over. He simply get the last note to continue to the next line, and every time he hit the dissonant chord, he’d start the whole line over. She didn’t recognize the song, but she could easily tell the note needed. He was hitting a B, when what he needed to continue was a B Flat.
Softly creeping beside him, Ezri reached out and touched the little black key as Endar came to the note. The clear, melodic tone rang out in the empty room.
Endar didn’t stop or look up. Without missing a beat he continued on to the next part. “I was getting it on my own, thank you very much,” he grumbled, a hint of loathing in his voice.
Ezri noticed that hint, but brushed it out of her mind and sat next to him. “That’s pretty. What’s it called?”
After some time he answered her. “ ‘Rhapsody in Blue.’ Gershwin, 20th century Earth,” he added, as if anticipating her next question.
“Oh, I’ve heard of him,” she chirped.
“Right,” Endar drew out, not fully believing her. Ezri could tell he was becoming quite agitated by her presence there, but she paid no mind.
“No, really, I’ve heard some of his works. He composed --” she started, reciting some of what she remembered from music school. Oh but wait, those were Joran’s memories, not hers...
“Just quit it, Ezri,” Endar said, banging on the keys with amazing ferocity.
“Quit what?”
Endar, temper flaring, pounded down on the keys and turned to Ezri. “Trying so hard to make amends for what you did to me!” he shouted.
Ezri backed up a few spaces until she nearly fell off the bench. Endar’s eyes were infuriated, and, the violet irises looked almost inflamed. She felt very afraid of what he may do next and considered calling for security. But she decided to play it out.
Endar bolted from the piano, nearly knocking the bench over with Ezri still on it, and jumped off the stage, heading for the door. Without another word.
Ezri was not going to let him run away so easily. She stood, arms folded to her chest. “What did I do to you?” she shouted. Endar stopped, but didn’t answer. “I want to know, commander. What have I done to you?” she jumped onto the stage and walked up to him, surprised that he didn’t try to move. She stood by his side. “Besides treat you with the understanding anyone adjusting to a new environment deserves. With the respect and duty any Starfleet superior deserves.” Then she stopped, and brought her mouth closer to his ear. “With the same compassion anyone who has gone through a traumatic experience deserves...” she whispered, hinting that she knew more than he might have guessed.
Endar backed away, eyes wide and fiery. “What do you know about me?” he said accusingly. He gestured at her with his index finger, shaking it wildly. “You sit there at your desk and read my files and question everything I do. You make hypotheses. What in Hell do you think you know about me, Counselor?”
Ezri stood her ground. “That you’ve suffered something so terrible you’ve never been able to cope. That you don’t know enough about yourself to make any sort of advance to repair whatever damage has been done. And possibly,” she paused to search for the right words, then picked up again softly, “you don’t know anything about yourself...”
Endar just stared at her. Ezri said nothing more. They sat staring for the longest time, until they heard footsteps.
“Who’s out there? Get out before I call the cops!” the voice called.
Ezri could see the light come on behind a side door, and out came Vic, hair disheveled and face stubbly. He wore blue velvet pajamas and a black bath robe with “VF” embroidered fancily in white satin, in his hand a wooden baseball bat. She smiled. “It’s okay, Vic. It’s us.”
Vic stopped and squinted. Ezri couldn’t help but smile at the image. He looked wildly unkempt and so...unVic-like. She turned quickly, and was amazed.
Endar was also smiling.
But Vic wasn’t. “Are you kids crazy? Do you know what time it is? Get to bed! I don’t perform this early in the morning,” he said grumpily. Then he stopped. “Wait a sec. I heard yelling.” He eyed Endar suspiciously, then turned to Ezri. “Is this character giving you problems, doll? ‘Cause I’ll take care of him if you want me to...”
Ezri snuck a quick glance at Endar to make she his temper hadn’t returned. When he seemed calm, she sighed and shook her head. “No, Vic, thank you. But Endar has been a perfect gentleman.” Ezri smiled as she felt Endar’s eyes turn to her, full of surprise.
Vic’s eyes widened too. “Perfect gentleman, Eh? I’d watch out, pally, this lady’s spoken for. I’m going to bed, I suggest you guys do the same.”
Ezri reached out and hugged Vic. “Thank you, Vic. Get some sleep.”
Vic blushed. “Same to you, sweetie.”
“Good night, Vic,” Endar said, breaking his silence of the past five minutes.
“Good night, Endar.” With that, Vic turned and trudged up the stairs, mumbling something incoherent. The light went off, and Ezri shut the door.
“Endar, Vic’s right. We should --” but Ezri stopped and turned around. Endar wasn’t behind her.
“Hey, you play the piano, right?” he asked.
Ezri turned back to the stage and saw Endar standing by the piano, a brass instrument, a trumpet, she realized, in his hands. Ezri strode towards the stage. “Endar, come on let’s go,” she said exasperated.
Endar turned back to her. “You didn’t answer my question. Do you play piano?”
Ezri rolled her eyes and sighed. “Yes, I play the piano. But --”
“Good,” he interrupted, taking a seat on a stool behind one of the microphones. “Have a seat. I need an accompanist.”
Ezri tried to contain her irritation, but it wasn’t easy. “You never answered any of my questions either, you know.” But Endar didn’t reply. Ezri sighed. “You know...” Finally she hopped onstage and sat in front of the piano. There was sheet music on the stand for a song called “A Kiss to Build a Dream on.” Ezri cracked her knuckles begrudgingly and opened the piece. “What key would you like it in?” she mumbled.
Endar blew into the mouthpiece and tested the valves. He barely looked over his shoulder when he replied, “Just play it as you see it.”
Ezri studied the first few measures to give her some perspective. “Okay, I’m ready when you are.”
Endar suddenly lowered the instrument and tilted his head back a notch. Ezri could tell his eyes were closed. His foot tapped lightly on the stool bar. Suddenly he lifted his index finger and pointed to Ezri.
As Ezri began the intro, Endar opened the eyes and leaned close to the microphone.
Give me a kiss to build a dream on,
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss.
Sweetheart I ask no more than this:
A kiss to build a dream on.
Ezri marveled at the clear yet gruff intonations, and perfect enunciation. He certainly had a gift.
And even with the instrument in hand, Ezri was not prepared for what he did next.
Give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live.
Give me what you alone could give, a kiss to build a dream on.
Ezri played a few notes, a small intro, as Endar picked up the trumpet and out came a heavy, booming sound. Bluesy, to be sure. He stepped off the stool and raised the instrument high, fingers pumping the valves rapidly. Ezri followed the notes as he played, and as the line repeated itself he improvised, and the horn blared. His body swayed to the beat, and Ezri choked back a giggle. With the last notes he brought the instrument down carefully, and the high notes followed down.
As he began to sang again, he sat back down.
When I’m alone, with my fancies
I’ll be with you
Weaving romances
Making believe they’re true.
Oh give me your lips for just a moment,
And my imagination will make that moment live.
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on.
As Ezri finished the last notes, Endar stood and bowed to his imaginary audience. With flourish and applause he turned to his accompanist, and Ezri, taken aback, smiled as she stood and dipped.
“What are you bowing for? There’s no one here,” he teased.
Ezri blushed instinctively, then stopped herself when she remembered that he had started it all. She moved towards him and inspected the trumpet.
“It’s called a trumpet. It’s an earth instrument.” He eyed her cautiously, hint of condescension in his voice.
Ezri smirked and rolled her eyes. “I know what a trumpet is, Endar.” She took the trumpet out of Endar’s hands and turned it over.
Endar smiled. “Computer, delete trumpet.” Without missing a beat the trumpet disappeared, and Ezri’s hands opened instinctively. She looked up at Endar, who shrugged. “It wasn’t real. I was just checking to see if I could still play.” Endar looked at Ezri a moment, and nothing was said. Finally Endar jumped off the stage and made his way to the exit.
“Endar?” she called after him.
Endar stopped and turned.
“Why wasn’t it a real trumpet?” Ezri inquired.
Endar turned to face her. “Because I don’t own one.”
“Why not?”
Endar shrugged. “Never saw the need for one. Good night, Counselor,” he said, with a small salute.
As he left the room, Ezri smiled. She’d found his comfort zone. He obviously took solace in music. Perhaps if he took more time to practice, he’d be a little more at ease.
And maybe he’d be more receptive.
****
Kasidy stood in the doorway of the cottage. She pushed loose dark hair back from her forehead. It had been a busy day, and it was only mid-afternoon.
She’d walked up to the Yoljan Monastery that morning to see how they were doing with their baseball field. Besides improving relations and showing there were no hard feelings for the other day, she was eager to see the field complete. The monks had promised that she would throw out the first baseball for the first game they played there. Young Nerys had even suggested that she should be their umpire. She liked that idea. She might not be able to run, and she was sure her swing would be off, but she could still officiate, appropriately padded, of course.
Then a walk back for a late lunch. Her appetite was settling back into its normal mode. The cravings her body had experienced at first, after the long months of nausea and no appetite, had also passed.
She’d spent a little time weeding the flowers and herbs planted on the shaded side of the cottage, only to discover that she must be allergic to one or the other of them. She’d begun sneezing, and hadn’t stopped until she moved back into the sunlight. She had the sneaking suspicion that one of the monks or their wards had added something to the garden while she was gone, maybe more of whatever herbs had been in the cushions she’d been given on the Xosa.
She’d have to have Julian check her out for allergies when he returned – or maybe Girani, the next time she was on the station. Of course, there was a doctor in Denaaj, she reminded herself, if she had any real medical emergencies or concerns.
In the meantime, maybe she’d take Hatha up on his offer to have one of the young people help her out with the gardening and maintenance. There was a lot to be done, this first year here especially – the house itself was finished, but the plants and shrubs would need care to establish them and get them through the first winter.
She knew she had time yet, but there were a few things she should stock up on before that winter set in. There was usually a lot of snow, although the warmer winds spilling up the valley from off the near-tropical gulf ensured fairly moderate temperatures. She wondered if she should try to get a flyer before winter, in case the weather was too unpredictable or late pregnancy made it too difficult for her to get around. Or should she rely on the home comm system for communication and figure on the monks checking on her every day?
It would depend on how soon Jake got back, and how long he planned to stay when he did get back. Now that he had made the decision to move on with his life, and let Ben return when he returned, coming back here to live might not be part of Jake’s plan any more.
A soft chime echoed through the cottage behind her. The house comm! She hurried inside.
Jake’s image appeared on the screen. “Hi, Kasidy!”
“Jake, it’s so good to see you. How’s the trip going?”
He shrugged, tilting his head a little to the side. “No problems so far. Although Dr. Bashir seems a little...distracted. But I guess considering what he and the others are going into, that’s not too surprising.”
“Not surprising at all,” she replied gravely. “And you’re going into it, too.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“I’m not sure I could do it,” she said thoughtfully. “I keep remembering...”
“Remembering what?”
“The way they treated colonists along the border, and the Maquis. They brutalized a lot of people, killed innocents. They destroyed homes and entire communities.” She couldn’t help thinking of some of the people she’d seen during her brief period of smuggling for the Maquis. It had been hard to face some of them. It had been hard to fight down the furious urge to grab a phaser and take her own little ship against them, to do something to stop the fires and bloodshed.
Jake looked down. “Dr. Bashir thinks it’s the right thing, helping the Cardassians now.”
“I know. I’m sure he’s right. Cardassian civilians didn’t have much say in their government’s choices. And Dukat was the one who turned his people over to the Dominion.”
“Yeah. So how are things going there?” Jake changed the subject. “Is everything still working?”
“Everything’s just fine,” she assured him.
“Good.” He shrugged self-consciously again. “I was kinda worried about that kitchen plumbing – after the quick job I did to finish it, and fixing Dr. Bashir’s help...”
She laughed out loud. “It’s a good thing he’s a doctor – he’s certainly not a plumber!”
“Yeah.” He was sincerely smiling now; she was glad. “You’re really getting by okay?”
“Yes,” she repeated firmly. “Everything works, the plants are growing, the weather is beautiful, and I’ve met the monks from the Yoljan.”
“Yeah? They’re great, aren’t they? I knew they’d help out if there were any problems.”
“They are,” she agreed. “Maybe a little too helpful, but I think we got that straightened out. And, you’ll be happy to hear, they’re building a baseball field!”
“A baseball field?” His dark eyes lit up in delight.
“Mm-hmm,” she nodded. “In the belief that your father will come back and play ball there.”
His eyes grew sad for a second, then he found another smile. “If they build it, he will come? Isn’t that the line from your old movie?”
She had to chuckle softly too. She had a collection of old movies from the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries, set around baseball, before the game died out as a general sport. She and Ben had enjoyed watching them almost as much as watching the game itself. In one of those movies, a man had created a baseball field in a cornfield, to bring back his father’s ghost – and the ghosts of a good many other players. She and Jake hadn’t watched that one since Ben’s departure. It would have hurt too much.
She’d forgotten parts of it. Maybe she’d watch it tonight.
“Do you think it’ll work?” he asked more seriously.
“I don’t know, Jake. But I’m looking forward to finding out. And in the meantime, the monks tell me I’ll have to be their umpire, because they don’t know the rules of the game well enough yet.”
“You’ll be great, Kas.”
“I hope so. Nobody’s ever complained about my eyes before.”
They both laughed again.
“Well,” Jake said a moment later, “I gotta go. Still got things to do here, and the captain only gave me a couple minutes.” A beat. “You’re really all right?”
“I’m all right.”
He nodded and smiled, a little longingly, she thought, and the channel closed, leaving her with a blank screen.
Kasidy sat back. That young man on the other end was doing just fine. She hadn’t mentioned her trip to the station or back on the Xosa, but then, he didn’t need to know every detail of her days, any more than she needed to know every detail of his.
They would both get along with their lives just fine.
****
Ezri paced about her office in anticipation, hands fidgeting.
Endar was due for their first counseling session any minute now.
Ezri had spent the better part of the last day going over her notes with a fine-toothed comb. She’d gotten the report from Kira on Endar’s behavior in her presence, and had managed to get in touch with one person who knew Endar, a security officer on the Armistead. He couldn’t give her much she didn’t already know, but it was enough.
Now all she needed was Endar.
Ezri smiled and put her hand on a neatly wrapped package on her desk, pushing it out of Endar’s view as he appeared outside her door. He entered briskly, hands behind his back.
“You wanted to see me, Counselor?” he said curtly.
Ezri smiled. She hadn’t really gotten him to agree to an appointment, but she figured now was as good a time as any. She could coax him. “I just wanted to say hi.”
Endar raised his eyebrow in confusion. “”Hi,” he said slowly.
“How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Would you like something to drink? Or eat?”
“No thanks, I just came from the Replimat.”
“Oh, I hope I didn’t spoil your meal.”
“No, I just finished.”
There was a pause in the conversation, and Ezri glanced nervously behind her back to the package.
“Counselor...Ezri, I’d love to sit here and chat, but I have a ton of stuff to go through. So if there’s nothing else...”
Now’s as good a time as any, Ezri thought.
“There is one thing,” she said quickly, and brought the package out from behind her, holding it in her outstretched hands. “This is for you.”
Endar looked down at the package, wrapped in a metallic gold paper and tied with red Orion silk ribbon. “For me?”
“Yes...” Ezri said with a smile, then urged “Open it.”
Endar took the package from her curiously, and slowly unwrapped it, never taking his eyes off Ezri. As the gift was revealed, he looked down, eyes widening. He looked up at Ezri incredulously. “Oh Ezri...I can’t accept this...” he breathed.
In his hands, neatly seated on the paper, was a shiny new trumpet.
“It’s not much. I just thought you might like something to keep you company, maybe dress up your quarters,” she said, cheeks blushing. “I was in your quarters, Endar. They’re pretty bare.”
Endar, still flabbergasted, found his way to an empty seat and sat down slowly, trumpet trembling in his hands, eyes never leaving the horn.
So Ezri continued. “I found it at an antiquities shop on the Promenade. The shopkeeper had all kinds of weird Earth stuff. All kinds of different instruments.”
Finally he looked up at Ezri, and held out the trumpet. “Why would you give me this? Take it back.”
Ezri shook her head with a smile and pushed the trumpet closer to him. “No, practice it. Regularly. Music makes you feel better, I can see that. It would make you feel more at home here. Something to look forward to at the end of the day, so you don’t seem like you’re always coming home to emptiness.”
Endar looked back at the trumpet. “I have never had a use for such things. In the war --”
“The war is over, Endar. You don’t have to be a soldier anymore,” she said curtly. “Take the trumpet. Practice it. It will make you feel better. You don’t have to fight anymore. You can live like a civilized human being. That’s what music does.”
Endar brought the mouth piece to his lips, and played a few notes. Ezri smiled, but then he put the trumpet down. Suddenly he turned to her. “Was this why you wanted me here?”
Ezri face reddened. He knew. The jig was up. “Well...”
Endar put the down the trumpet and went for the door. “I see. Counselor...”
“Before you go, I thought you’d like to know something,” she added quickly. “I spoke to a Lt. Commander Forest earlier...”
Endar halted. There was a deadening silence. He didn’t turn to her when he finally murmured the name. “Forest?”
“He served with you on the Armistead.”
“But, why? Why did you...? Forest?”
“Commander Forest said you two talked quite extensively while you were there. And he told me a rather interesting story...” Ezri paused, waiting for Endar’s reaction. But he said nothing, only turned and looked at her incredulously. Ezri folded her arms to her chest at the sight of those piercing cold eyes, eyes that held such incredible light as he held that trumpet only moments ago. “He told me his side. Maybe you should tell me yours.”
Endar looked down, and finally took a seat in the chair. Ezri waited for a couple of minutes, Endar seeming to collect his thoughts. “I was...on an away mission. We were on an away mission. Forest and I. We were investigating a distress signal. It was me, Forest, our medical officer and our first officer. When we got down to the planet surface, the whole colony had been wiped out. Some, I don’t know, five million? Six million?
“Well, we were ambushed by Jem’Hadar. They came out of nowhere! And they were everywhere! They had set up the distress signal as a trap, and fortified themselves on high, rocky ground. We tried to beam back to the ship, but they had problems of their own. They had been attacked by warships. I guess they were expecting a bigger fleet or something, because I was told there were six or seven ships. Of course why this planet was so important, or why we were so important, I’ll never know. Damn Jems never made any sense to me...”
Suddenly Endar stopped. Breathing was heavy, and sweat began to bead up on his brow.
“Take your time, Endar,” Ezri said, placing her hand on his arm.
Endar turned his head to her, and their eyes met. A shiver ran down Ezri’s spine as she removed her hand from his arm. “Please...don’t do that. Don’t do that,” he said icily.
Ezri gulped. “Please continue, Endar.”
His eyes turned away from hers, and he continued. “Well, like I said, we were ambushed. We couldn’t get off the planet. So we fought. We hid. Got some rest. Then we fought some more. Phaser fighting. Coward’s fighting, if you ask me. Nothing like hand-to-hand.” Then he turned back to Ezri, an almost maniacal grin spreading across his face. “Ever gutted someone like a fish, Ezri? To stare straight into their eyes, know their soul, and be unafraid to do what you’re about to do, because you feel it will achieve some greater good? It’s thrilling.”
The shiver took another journey down her spine, and Ezri’s face went pale. “Yes, Endar. I have, actually. But it’s not thrilling to me. It’s deranged.”
Endar shrugged. “To each his own. So anyway, we eventually got tired of the cowardice. We laid out a plan. At night, we would raid the Jem’Hadar camp, steal the Vorta supplying them with ketracel white, and ransom him in exchange for freedom. Ours and the ship’s.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Too bad it didn’t work. It was like they expected us. They knew we were coming. They killed our executive officer first. We advanced, they retaliated, we retreated. And then...I don’t know. Something just snapped. Everyone thought I’d blacked out. When I came to I was in sickbay. We’d won the skirmish. I had saved the lives of the doctor and Forest. We’d gotten the Vorta, and instead of trading we bolted out of the sector.”
Ezri unfolded her arms, and knelt beside him. “You didn’t black out, did you Endar?”
Endar suddenly squinted and leaned forward. “I...I don’t know what I did. All of a sudden...” He looked at Ezri. She smiled reassuringly. His eyes weren’t cold or evil looking. They were sad, and a little frightened and confused. “They weren’t Jem’Hadar anymore.”
“Who were they?”
He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Finally he shook his head, tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t know. But I see them all the time. In my dreams. In my visions. They come at me, and I can’t describe them. But they have these red glowing eyes. That’s all I know. And they keep coming for me, no matter how far I run. I can’t ever get away from them.
“But I can take my shooter, and my knife, and my phaser, and I can kill those bastards before they get to me. And I got them. That time I got them. Sometimes I’m not so lucky. A lot of the time they get me.”
“It was a hallucination, Endar. You were hallucinating.”
“Then why did it seem so real?”
“Because many times hallucinations are images of real events that had a significant effect on your life. Do you remember these...people coming for you?”
Endar looked at his feet a moment. “Ezri...I don’t remember much of anything. I don’t...I just don’t remember much of anything.”
Ezri’s eyes widened. Hallucinations, nightmares, amnesia? The pieces were falling together. “What don’t you remember?”
There was a deafening silence before Endar finally responded. “Nothing...I remember nothing of my life from the past...”
“Past what?”
Endar suddenly waved his hands. “Back...back. The early part of my life. I don’t remember growing up really, or much of anything else. I have pieces of memories. Like knowing how to play the trumpet and the piano. And a few other things. I remember my name. I retained all my basic knowledge from school and such. As for the past...I can read, I just don’t know how I learned to read, you know.”
Ezri blinked at him. “Why did you strike the Vorta?”
“What?”
“Why did you strike the Vorta? You tried to beat a confession out of him. I’m guessing it wasn’t something Starfleet wanted.”
“I told Forest it was a confession so he didn’t think I was nuts. I thought that guy, that...Vorta, had done something to make me flip out. He swore he had no idea what I was talking about.”
“You put him in a coma.”
“After a while I was just taking out aggression. It felt pretty damned good.”
Ezri stood up and walked towards her desk. Putting her hands on the top, she leaned forward in thought. How can I allow him to continue his duties as executive officer in the shape he’s in? she thought.
“These hallucinations: did you have them before your incident on the Armistead?”
“Ezri, I can’t even remember when I started having them. That’s how long it’s been.”
“Why didn’t you tell anyone back then?” she asked quietly. Endar was silent again.
“Because...no one had ever really seen it happen, or been able to stop it. You have. You pulled me out of that one in the access tunnel.”
“In the infirmary, after you collapsed in the tunnel. You had a nightmare...”
Endar's jaw dropped, eyes wide. “How could you --”
She turned around. “By the way you came out of it. Have you had those before too?”
Endar looked down. “Every time I try to sleep,” he whispered.
Ezri nodded slowly, and knelt back beside him. “Endar, why do you get so angry with Colonel Kira?”
Endar looked back up. “She’s a bitch,” he replied matter-of-factly.
“What makes you say that?” she pressed, brushing the insult out of her mind.
“She won’t let me work with the Defiant. She forces me to do all these terrible jobs.”
“Endar, I can’t make a comment on the duties Kira sets aside for you. But don’t you think that, as a Starfleet officer, and as an adult, you should do what’s expected of you?”
“But -- I don’t know. I know that’s the right thing. But still --”
“Do you purposely do things because of your experiences with Kira?”
“No! No, I don’t...sometimes...yes, I do. I don’t know. But --”
Ezri smiled triumphantly. “Thank you, that’s all I needed to know. I think I can solve this problem.”
“Solve what problem?”
“Your problem, Endar. You have Oppositional Defiance Disorder. And you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.”
At Endar’s quizzical look, Ezri continued, “Usually ODD is a behavioral disorder found in children. Sometimes it stems from a traumatic experience. My guess is whatever caused your Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder also caused your ODD.” Ezri pulled out a PADD. “I’d like to relieve you of duty and begin treatment right away...”
“No!” he screamed, grabbing her arm. “You can’t tell anyone I’m sick. I’ll get booted out of Starfleet.”
Ezri stopped and looked up. “I thought you wanted out? You seemed so eager. Always running away.”
Endar sat back down and sulked. “Still, Ezri, don’t report me to Starfleet. Don’t relieve me of duty. And don’t tell Kira.”
Ezri suddenly looked down sheepishly. “Uh, I’m afraid I’ve already pretty much taken care of the last one.”
“What?!”
“Endar, it’s in your best interest that Kira knows. She might go a little easier on you now. And she’ll be able to handle any situation that may arise in the future properly.”
“Fine! But...”
Ezri sighed. “Okay, I won’t tell Starfleet yet. Or relieve you of duty. But we have to lick this now. If it escalates, I have no choice.”
“Okay.”
“I’ll prescribe something to help you sleep at night.”
“No in-depth mind probe stuff.”
“Endar...”
“No!” he roared.
“Okay, okay I get the message, cancel the mind probing gadgets. But I plan to probe your mind in counseling sessions. Three times a week. And if you miss one meeting I’ll relieve you of duty for a week. Deal?” she said, hand out.
Endar took the hand and smiled. “Deal. But how will any of this help the hallucinations?”
Ezri sighed. “The simple fact is, it won’t. There’s nothing we can do about those, except talk them through. Hopefully once we can jog your memory, we’ll get rid of those hallucinations. But you know, this would be so much easier if you’d just let me --”
“Ezri --”
“Okay, I know, I know.”
“Well, at least you know,” he said, turning toward the door. “Kira will kill me if I’m not back at my station.”
“Please try to stay on her good side. I know it’s hard for you, but you can’t expect things to go your way in a new place like this. Just do what she asks, and let it come.”
“I’ll try, but I’m not promising anything.” With that, Endar walked out of the door.
Ezri sat back down and looked over her notes. Suddenly the door swished back open, and Endar rushed in to grab the trumpet. “Forgot something,” he mumbled as he turned his back. Ezri smiled and went back to her papers.
Then she realized the door hadn’t reopened.
“Ezri?”
Ezri looked up. Endar was still standing there, trumpet under his arm. “Yes?”
“Thank you.”