Chapter 4

Ezri Dax pulled a PADD and writing instrument out of her desk drawer and set it neatly on the coffee table in front of the red patient’s couch. Then she stepped back and gave the room a critical glance. She nodded approvingly. It looked warm but professional. To one side of the table, close to the couch, sat a dark red stuffed chair, an antique given to her by her brothers when she graduated from the Academy. They had found it at a bazaar on a trip to the Mars colony and thought it’d be perfect for a therapist. Ezri had to agree. It was one of the most comfortable pieces of furniture she owned; it made her feel secure and confident while she worked. Plus it matched her office’s couch nicely.

“I’m ready,” she said out loud. “Now all I need is a patient.” Commander Alden was three minutes late for his first counseling session. Not a particularly good start. She would have to talk to him about that.

A few more minutes passed, and Ezri was considering hailing the executive officer when the door chimed. “Come in,” she called.

“Can we get this over with, Counselor?” Alden charged through the door with a grating hint to his tone. A hot light flashed through his violet eyes, revealing both frustration and anger. His clenched fists trembled. Something had not gone well at work. “Kira's reports don't wait all day.”

She decided to wait bring up his tardiness. “Endar, just relax,” she said calmly. She gestured to the couch. “Have a seat.”

Alden stared at her, then looked at the couch. Finally he sighed and unclenched his fists. “I'm sorry, I just....”

“Don't worry about it, Endar,” Dax said. “The reports can wait.”

“Can Kira?”

Ezri chuckled nervously. “Let me worry about Kira, okay? For right now....” She pointed to the couch again. Obligingly, Endar moved to the couch and lied down on it. She looked at him curiously. “Why did you lie down?”

Alden propped himself on his elbows. “Aren’t the patients supposed to lie down?” he returned.

Dax smiled, settling herself into her chair. “It’s traditional. You can if you want to. You don’t have to.” “Well, if I’m going to be a psych patient, I might as well get the full effect, I figure. Okay by you, Counselor?” He lay back down, interlocking his fingers against his chest. “Let’s get on with it.”

Ezri sighed and picked up her PADD. The first question was usually the easiest. “How do you feel?”

Alden reflected on that for a moment. “Normal.”

“Normal...” she echoed, inwardly sighing. You thought this was going to be easy. “Is that good?”

“I don't know. You're the shrink.”

Ezri rolled her eyes and dismissed the “shrink” remark. She heard it often, and never fully understood the meaning of it. Some quirk of human dialect, she supposed.

He continued. “So what does normal mean to you?”

Wonderful. He’s already turned the tables on you. Dax had some experience with patients who tried to match wits with the counselor. Julian Bashir was wonderful at it, and she often thought he must have learned from Garak. But at least Julian did it to tease her affectionately, and always got serious and worked with her in the end. Endar was doing it to take control of the conversation. And she had the sneaking suspicion he was doing it on purpose just to drive her nuts. But she decided to go with it and return the favor. “Well, 'normal' is a relative term, of course. But for me, it means you're at ease. Relaxed. Comfortable with yourself.”

Alden shrugged. “Okay....”

“But the thing is,” Ezri continued, “I don't know if that's normal for you.”

“Do you think I'm normal, by your standards?" the commander pressed. "Not what you know, what you think."

“Frankly? No.”

Alden nodded wryly. “Gee, what a coincidence. Me neither.”

“That isn't necessarily a bad thing,” Ezri offered hastily. “I'm not always normal by my standards, either. To say nothing of Trill standards,” she added with a laugh.

He didn’t particularly find any humor in the statement. “Yay.”

He’s tough. Hard to break through. Ezri sighed and tried another tactic. “How has work been? You didn’t seem too happy when --”

“But we aren't worrying about whether you're normal," Alden suddenly blurted, as if not hearing the question. "We're worrying about whether I'm normal.”

Ezri’s brow creased. “That's true, Endar.... Anyway, like I was saying, how have you found your duties lately?”

He sighed at this, obviously understanding that he wasn’t going to get away with avoiding the question. Ezri smiled inwardly, realizing she’d taken back control of the conversation, if only for a short period. On the outside she put on a frown. “That bad, huh?”

She could see that pent-up look of his creeping to the fore. But she remained calm, and that only seemed to frustrate him more. “You expect me to suddenly be enjoying them?” he said harshly. “Can we get back to the normal thing?”

Ezri sighed. “Endar....” A pause. “This is important.”

“Why?” he demanded.

“Why are you evading?” she shot back.

Alden stared at her for a while, then finally sighed and turned from her and tried to be nonchalant. He shrugged. “I just found the normal thing more interesting. Why would I possibly want to talk about work? What could possibly be interesting about summarizing inventory plan 7732 KI or reading catalog 0W34?” The pitch and volume of his voice rose slightly as he spoke.

She maintained her frown. “There's no reason to get upset. I just want to know how you're doing.”

"Look, this won't help you explore any ounce of my psyche, so might as well get over it. How am I doing? Fine. Swimmingly.”

“You're defensive,” Dax observed. “You're tense. I barely mentioned your work and you look ready to snap. That means something.”

Alden smirked. “What? I thought that was normal for me, Counselor.”

Ezri groaned at falling for his remark. This wasn't getting her anywhere. “Let's change the subject. I haven't gotten a chance to see Vic today, how is he?”

Endar shrugged, and began to examine his nails, removing bits of dust here or there. “I dunno. Haven't seen him either.”

“Hm. Maybe later?”

“We'll see.”

Ezri was really beginning to worry that this conversation was entirely lacking in... well, conversation. Every talking point she tried was leading to a dead end. “How's the trumpet?”

“Fine.”

“And...?” she pressed, getting exasperated.

Alden looked at her, as if expecting her to finish the sentence. “And... what do you expect me to say?”

Ezri sighed. “Endar, I'm a therapist. We talk about these things -- we explore. How am I supposed to help you if you won't talk?”

Turning himself onto his side, Alden looked up at Ezri, then gave in a little. “The trumpet's an inanimate object, Counselor. It doesn't feel anything. So there's no point in asking how it is.”

Ezri grinned at the joke. “You know what I mean. Have you practiced it?"

He frowned. “Well... you told me the trumpet was something to look forward to at the end of the day, when my work is done. That hasn't happened yet, really.”

“What do you mean?”

Alden snorted and lay back down, rigid tension building in his jaw. “I've been up all night working on recalibrating sensor arrays with Nog and Kaoron,” he explained.

Work again, Ezri thought. Well, not like he didn’t deserve it. The breakdown of the sensor relays was partially his fault. "I see," she replied. "Well, aside from that, is it a good instrument?”

“I really haven't even gotten a look at it, yet," Endar said with idle interest. "But I wouldn't worry. Only the good old makes last this long out here. It looked pretty old, so it's possible it was made a while ago.”

“I hope so," Dax said. "I have some musical experience, but I never was a brass player.”

“You don't have the lips for it,” he said, almost absent-mindedly. “Not big enough.” He tapped his own lips with a smile. “Kira... Kira could be a bugler.”

Ezri laughed. “Kira? Really?”

“Lips like a blowfish," he stated matter-of-factly.

Her eyes gleamed mischievously. “Maybe you could teach her.”

Endar let out a wry snort. “Suuuuure....”

“No, really! It would be fun! You and Kira in a practice room at Vic's -- she loves Vic's, you know. You two have that in common,” Ezri pointed out.

"Pff," the commander scoffed. “She's Bajoran. What does she know about swing?”

“More than you'd expect. She and Odo....” She trailed off, instantly regretting even mentioning the station’s former chief of security. Kira’s relationship to Odo was too much for Alden not to press about.

And true to form, he pressed. “Odo? What about Odo? Hmm?”

Ezri sighed, really wishing she hadn’t said anything. “Ah... sorry. That’s not really relevant here.”

But Alden was obviously not going to let go of his interest in this new topic. “Oooh ... why not? Little bits of Kira starting to glimmer....”

“It's... uh....” Ezri searched fast for an excuse, and she touched upon an outlet. “Patient confidentiality, Endar. Can't tell you.”

“Patient confidentiality,” he echoed. He seemed to think a few moments, then spoke again. “I bet Vic would tell me. I bet it's not so private. I shall have to check this out.”

Ezri laughed nervously. “I'm sure Kira would love that.” I just hope he doesn’t mention who told him....

“Sure. It would give me a new understanding.” He stroked his chin, thoughtful.

Change the subject, Ezri. “No... but... Endar, we're talking about you here. We need to get back on track.”

Alden smirked. “Oh, yeah. I digress.”

“So....” And suddenly, her mind blanked. The problem was finding something to edge Alden into his past, and nothing she mentioned seemed to help.

He tilted his head, waiting. After several moments he let out a laugh that nearly startled Ezri. “I've stumped the counselor!” He gasped and grabbed at his chest in mock anticipation. “Do I get a prize?”

Ezri sighed. She didn’t realize how unprepared she was for this session. She should be doing better. But Alden was a lot harder to probe than she realized. Finally, she admitted defeat. She shook her head wryly. “You keep talking me in circles. What do you want to talk about here? I need ideas.”

Alden’s eyes widened, and he laughed again. Ezri was starting to get tired of that smug expression of his. “What's this?” he said dramatically. “I thought you said you were gonna 'probe my head' in these sessions. All you've done is ask me the every day stuff. Life, love, work, everyone's health....”

“Why do you think all of that has nothing to do with you?” Dax returned, irritated.

Alden sat back up, glaring at her. “If I wanted to chit-chat, Counselor, we could have met in Vic's over a double bourbon and a song.”

It was a nice idea -- she should have thought of it. He obviously needed the distraction, the security, or both. “That could have been fun,” she sighed.p> Alden stretched out and spread his arms wide. “Come on, Counselor. Hit me with your best shot. Probe me to death.”

“Okay...” Ezri said thoughtfully. Hit him with my best shot... best shot.... “Have you... heard about the new doctor yet?”

There was an abrupt change in Alden’s behavior. He immediately laid back on the couch, his face paling. “New doctor? What new doctor?”

Ezri frowned a bit, thinking of the idea. She had heard about Dr. Monrow through Quark, who heard it from an employee who overheard Dr. Girani mention it, on the way to work today. Quark said she was a temporary replacement. What puzzled her was that Julian never mentioned a temporary replacement. He would have told her if he was getting one. Did he himself know? But why would Starfleet not tell Julian? Ezri sighed. Either way, it made Julian’s absence seem a little too permanent.

“What?” demanded Alden to Ezri’s silence.

She snapped back to reality. “Nothing. Nothing,” she echoed. “Her name is Alexis Monrow. She’s a xenobiologist. Quark said she came in to supplement the Infirmary staff while Julian's gone.”

Endar's eyes widened nervously. “Wonderful.”

“What's wrong with that?” Ezri asked, picking up her PADD off her lap. Plenty, actually, she thought. But I get the feeling we’re not worrying about the same thing.

He waved her off. “Nothing, nothing...I suppose every place needs a medicine man...excuse me, person. Of course, being first officer means I can't avoid the doctor like I used to before I came here...."

Ezri chewed on the end of her writing utensil, watching him thoughtfully. “Let's stay on this for a moment. Why does the mention of a new doctor make you nervous?”

Alden eyed the counselor incredulously. “You know I don't like doctors.”

“You like Julian. Or at least I hope you do.”

“He was different.”

“Why?”

“He didn't act like a normal doctor.”

There’s that word again. “Normal....”

Alden waved that aside and continued. “He didn't mind getting rough when he had to. And he was human. And a man. Women doctors are the worst. And these... Bajorans... are doubly bad. No sense of bedside manner. Figure they’ve had enough pain in their lifetimes for them and their patients to --”

“But Monrow is human, Endar,” Ezri interjected. “Just like Julian. Just like you.”

“Just like me,” Endar echoed, as if stuck on that thought. Then his almost paranoiac tone returned. “One more doctor to try and stick a probe in my face.”

Ezri shrugged. “I wouldn't say that. She's just another person. Why would she pose any special threat to you?”

“I don't know...” he drew out. “I just don't like the whole... I'm just not comfortable. Lots of people are uncomfortable around doctors.”

“I know. We're just trying to uncover exactly why doctors upset you so much. In the Infirmary, when you woke up, you weren't uncomfortable. You were hysterical.”

Alden paused. “Define hysterical.”

“You screamed at Girani, remember?”

Alden paused with a confused look. “Girani?”

“The Bajoran doctor that treated you. You ripped the equipment off your head and threw it at her. Most patients, even uncomfortable ones, don't do that.”

“Probing equipment,” he spat out.

The counselor’s brow raised in skepticism. “But that only happens when you're hurt or sick -- and Girani is only trying to help in that case. Same goes for Monrow. And at the moment, she hasn't done anything but pass you in the corridors a few times.”

Alden suddenly looked up, face paling. “She has? When? Where?”

Ezri suppressed a smile. “On the way to the Infirmary, or on the Promenade, maybe -- that isn't the point.” Then she cocked her head to one side and stared at him through narrow slits. “Why are you getting upset?”

“I'm not getting upset!” he protested. “I just don't see the big deal. Lots of people don't like doctors. I'm not the first. I won't be the last.”

Ezri tilted her head, concentrating on remaining neutral and unthreatening. “You seemed to think Girani was going to hurt you.”

Alden didn’t answer that. They spent several seconds in silence before Ezri said anything. “Will you tell me about that?”

He turned to her, and Ezri could see beads of sweat beginning to form on his brow. “Um...about what?”

Dax smiled gently. Come on, Endar, tell me. “Girani. What she was doing upset you. What was it? The tricorder, the stimulators? Why are you afraid of being scanned?”

The beads became heavy with perspiration, and started to fall. Alden looked down at his hands. “Well...uh...h-how'd you like to be strapped down on some strange bed and have people standing over you, looking at your vital signs....”

Ezri interrupted him. “Strapped down?”

“Yeah.”

She laid down her PADD and leaned forward. “Endar, we didn't have you restrained.”

A pause. “You didn't?”

“No. You jumped right off the bed, don't you remember?” Ezri got up from the chair and knelt down next to the couch, next to Alden. She touched his arm, he pushed her away. “Why did you think you were restrained, Endar?”

“Well... you know...” he sputtered, searching desperately for an answer that might sway her off, Ezri suspected. But that wasn’t going to happen. There was something here. “Adrenaline... rushes....”

She shook her head. “No. Don't evade me, Commander. You said you felt you could trust me once. Tell me.”

“Well...well...maybe I was...and...and...you didn't know about it...and when I woke up I got s-so upset....”

Ezri sighed, and noticed the tension lines on his face. “Endar, there were no restraints. Not then.”

Alden stopped babbling, looking down at his hands, the wall, the ceiling, never at Ezri. He’d stopped looking at her some time ago. “I don't know. I-I just don't know.”

Drawing in a steadying breath, Dax took his hands and tried to talk him through it. Something was coming out that he couldn’t remember, but needed to. That had to be it. “Okay. Relax for a moment, and focus on that. You thought you were restrained, and you were afraid of the scanning equipment. It seems like you're afraid of being forced to submit to a scan. Who would force you to do something like that?”

Alden looked up at the ceiling, and she could almost hear his back teeth grinding in frustration. The sweat had fallen down his face, and his eyes shone feverishly. “A doctor,” he muttered, wringing his hands, trying to pull them out of Ezri’s firm grasp. “Who else would try to scan me?”

“What kind of doctor would do that? And why would you need to be restrained for a scan?”

“Because I didn't want to be scanned.”

Ezri pressed on, softly. “Why not? It won't hurt you.”

A broken sigh rattled in his throat, and Ezri worried about his emotional stability. He shook his head vehemently, and sweat flew everywhere, but she ignored it. “Because I didn't. I... was... scared....”

“Scared of what? Girani would have done nothing to you but treat your injuries. What did you think she was going to do?”

Suddenly Alden’s breathing quickened, and his whole body shook. He put his hands up to cover his eyes. “No...no...something was going to happen....”

“Tell me.”

“She can't scan me, I won’t let her scan me.”

“Why not, Endar?”

“I don’t know!” he suddenly cried, exploding from the couch. Sweat and tears mingled down his cheeks, his face bright red, his breathing ragged.

Ezri stood, putting her hand on his shoulder. He batted it away again, wiping his face on his sleeve, not looking at her. “Endar, it's all right,” she began. She sighed heavily, then met his gaze with quiet determination. “I want you to think about what we said here. Something came out that I’m not even sure you know. We need to keep talking about it....”

Alden shook his head frantically. “No, no, no!” he screamed, causing Ezri to jump. Then he covered his face with his hands. “I won’t talk anymore," he said hoarsely. "I don’t care. I don’t want to know anymore. Leave me alone!”

Ezri sighed and stood in front of Alden. “Endar, look at me,” she said, carefully prying his hands from his face. When he had no other defense, he obeyed. Ezri smiled, speaking soothingly, as if to a frightened child. “You’re in pain. And you’ve been avoiding it so long you don’t even remember why. But you need to, Endar. Or you’ll never get better. Please. You want to get better, don’t you?”

Alden looked down, then finally nodded. Then Ezri reached out and hugged him firmly. He was surprised, but soon hugged back. “We’ll pick it up in a couple of days, okay?”

He nodded again, then left the room. Dax spent a long moment watching him go.

Chapter Five

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